Wrong! Oh so very very wrong.
With a combination of counseling, medication and acceptance I righted the capsized vessel that was my life.
It appeared to me that everybody else’s decisions on my behalf had been gloriously wrong so I demanded the right to make my own. Actually I never said a word;I just grabbed my life; with both hands. I was Over 18: free at last, free at last, free at last.
The trouble was my apprenticeship in the art of self-direction was at the hand of those that had gotten it so wrong. And the weave of the training period was loose, threadbare, even scant.
None-the-less with energy born of zealousness I set forth.
I thrashed and crashed mightily. Every prophecy of doom was fulfilled. The failures were predicted and manifested in full.
However, my desire to learn, to press on, to battle wild seas and storms had never been considered let alone weighed.
I capsized, clung to the wrong wreckage and pulled myself ashore so often that the onlookers became a little distracted, perhaps even bored.
And then, just when they were not looking I met God. Figuratively, you understand. Awash on yet another blighted shore I found I believed in a higher power. I found that He (that’s what He is to me, not she, not it or worse) believed in me.
I found He was a master mariner; a highly skilled navigator. He could, and Would nudge me. Toss me life-rings, tie rafts for me. He would whisper guidance. Shout encouragement. Rejoice in success. Walk beside me in my suffering, shield me when under attack. Oh there was a lot to be shielded from…for a long time.
My confidence and successes grew. I matured. I learned. I stopped capsizing. I gained skills and experience.
The illnesses continued but I isolated them. They no longer contaminated my whole life.
I discovered I could be very ill for a very long time and not get depressed.
I discovered the lessons of my experience were needed by others. And these, mostly women, sought me out.
2 years before diagnosis
I discovered a great capacity to love. I discovered that the Master Potter’s hands were shaping me into a leader, a speaker. A comforter. This was a huge surprise to me.
I had been diagnosed with a potentially life threatening heart condition. It’s title spread larger across my thick medical records folder, larger than my name. I underwent open heart surgery. 10 days later there was an emergency follow-up. The surgeon came to me in ICU and reported ‘you are clearly meant to be here. We lost you 4 times on the table’.
Sober words. Words worthy of serious reflection.
A friend wrote to my mother admiring my courage and strength. My mother showed me the letter. This meant more to me than what had been written.
Divorced, with 2 young children I made a mighty decision. I was not going to be, or see myself as, or be treated as, a victim. I can see myself now, physically frail, standing before a heater on a cold winter’s afternoon, announcing this to my mother.
Truly a decision made just in the nick of time.
Thinking of you, ♥ Jane
